It was a really tough week last week. A week full of emotion, guilt and tears.
Firstly, it was my first week back at work. This has been such a difficult transition for me. My heart strings pulled as I dropped my baby girl off at nursery. As I passed her over she looked at me and reached her arms out to me. I just had to walk away, and as I did I took one last look through the glass in the door and I could see her still looking for me. Part of me so wanted to run back to her,vs coop her up and just take her home. But I got to work all be it a it wobbly and managed the day without even calling the nursery once. Strangely it felt a bit like I had never been away and I just slotted right back in. But in another way it felt so wrong.
When I got home my boy was so overjoyed to see me and his sister. We were all together again under one roof. My hubby confessed he had forgotten to attend my boys school dance performance in the afternoon. Despite me putting it on the calendar and saying to him under no circumstances should he miss it as I couldn’t be there and I did not want my boy to be the only child without a parent there. But he was. ‘ I waited for you, but you never came’ he said to me. It broke my heart. I had tears in my eyes all through dinner. I was cross with my hubby but more upset than angry. I felt so guilty that I had been at work and missed his performance. The thought of him looking out for us and nether of us arriving broke my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.
That same day I tried breastfeeding my baby girl before bed despite previous refusals. But she refused to feed from me once again. It was the last straw and I couldn’t cope. I literally broke down in tears, full on from the soul crying. I sobbed my heart out, crying myself to sleep. I felt like such a failure as a mummy. For being at work and not with my kids, for missing my boys school performance and for the breastfeeding finishing.
On the back of this I wrote my second ‘weekly happy list’ to help me think of all the happy moments, of which there were many, that happened last week too.