My baby girl

It’s the weirdest feeling knowing when your having your baby. No living on the edge wondering when that spontaneous labour will start. It’s one of the hardest decisions I’ve made. Going from being determined to have a VBAC (a term I’d never heard of before) to having a planned c-section. It’s a decision I couldn’t make by myself and in the end my doctor made the decision for me. I’m still disappointed in myself for not being brave enough to go for a vaginal delivery. I should have stuck to my guns and been brave. But I was too scared, too weak. The risks for me having complications were high.  So my baby girl was born via planned c-section on the 23rd April.  Somehow I don’t feel like a proper woman because I’ve never pushed a baby out, like your supposed to.  I feel I’ve  let my husband down too, he’s never been able to cut the cord, something I think he wanted to do.  I have wonderful pregnancies but for some reason fail at giving birth.  I went through full labour with my first but ended up having an emergency c section.  So disappointing.  If it wasn’t for the wonders of a c section neither of my babies would be here.

It was so strange walking round the hospital after being admitted, knowing I was there to have my baby.  We were told we had hours to wait so we went for lunch in the restaurant to pass some time, well hubby did as I wasn’t allowed! When we got back to our room we we were suddenly met with the midwife telling us there was an opening in the theatre list and we were next! We were whisked away so quickly after expecting to wait all afternoon and were suddenly there about to have our baby! I was absolutely terrified.  I couldn’t stop shaking, which was made worse by the anaesthetic, to the extent I couldn’t control it, which was horrible.  My baby girl entered the world after about what seemed only a few minutes.  She looked all grey and wrinkly with a screwed up face and wet ginger hair! My beautiful daughter. My hubby and I both cried with happiness.  We had skin to skin straight away. Such a special moment.  I had missed out with those moments with my boy so I was so happy just to have her in my arms.

I had convinced myself that I was having another boy. My bump was huge and all out front, just like my first child (who was a boy). It wasn’t just me, everyone else thought it was going to be a boy too. We had decided not to find out the sex again. I think it adds to the excitement and surprise. Because we had convinced ourselves we were having another boy it was such a shock to find out our new baby was In fact a girl. We had a list of 15 name possibilities for a girl compared to only 2 for a boy. I was overjoyed. I think deep down I wanted a daughter. How lucky we are to have a boy and a girl. Another boy would have been Wonderful too. As long as they arrive safe and healthy, that is all that matters.

I remember lying in my hospital bed looking over at her with such wonder. We had waited 3 years to start trying for another baby and it took a year to get pregnant with her. I’d had a previous pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage so it wasn’t a smooth ride. My little girl was my rainbow baby, how lucky was I?

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I will never forget my boys face when he first saw his sister. Thankfully I’ve got a picture of that moment. I’ve never seen such a look of such overwhelming joy and excitement. Proudest moment of my life. No one can prepare you for how hard it is with two. One child now seems so simple. But there’s nothing more special than a siblings love for one another.

The breastfeeding has to be one of the hardest things I’ve done. Why is something so natural so hard? I couldn’t breast feed my first, despite trying, and gave up after 2 weeks. I feel so proud I managed to breast feed second time, but it’s been a really hard journey. At first my baby girl just seemed to want to be on my boob ALL the time. I actually felt like I wanted to get away even just for 30 minutes. One day I decided to leave my baby girl with my hubby and take my boy out on his scooter. It was a short precious moment with my boy after days of having his sister attached to me. I felt so bad for him, so guilty, that all my time was being spent feeding his sister, after 4 years of just him. When he woke up, she was on me, when he got home from school, she was on me, when he went to bed she was on me. This was the cycle for weeks and weeks. Well I think it was a couple of months but it felt like forever. So many nights of non stop breastfeeding I threatened to give up and asked my hubby to get some formula. The utter pain and agony, the tears. But I came out the other end and boy am I glad I stuck to it. We made it to 9 1/2 Months.

My baby girl is growing so fast. They really do not stay little for young. I think I’ve got more maternal the older I’ve got and definitely after having number two! To the point I’m not ruling out number 3 altogether! I look at those big blue eyes and spiky strawberry blonde hair and I feel in complete ore of the beauty I’ve somehow created.  I can’t believe she is mine and how lucky I am.

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