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I should be the happiest woman alive, I have a wonderful husband, am blessed with two gorgeous children and have a promising career. Yet I’m sat here wondering what makes someone depressed. Why me. Is there something in me, my genes, that makes me more prone? Maybe it’s just a state if mind, so I should just be able to snap out of it, right? On the outside no one would know there was anything wrong with me. I’m always outwardly happy and positive. A woman who looks like she is coping. I’ve realised one of my anxieties about going back to work is the impact it will have on my mind and not just about being away from my children (obviously that’s very significant too). I wonder, am I still capable of this job? So many doubts. Will I be confident again? My job, that I could once do standing on my head, feels very daunting. I’m feeling quite lost right now. I don’t know what I want. Should I be looking for another job? Is this just the PND talking? What am I really feeling? I feel relief that I’ve told work I’ve been diagnosed with post natal depression. It’s still hard writing those words. I swore after the last time I wouldn’t go back to that place again. Yet here I am once more. Needing some fixing. But it wasn’t within my control. I feel so weak right now and long to be strong again.
I’m trying to plan my last week of maternity leave which is next week. I cannot believe it is here. Every time I think about it I get a wave of butterflies in my tummy and feel slightly sick. It’s a combination of fear of not being able to do my job anymore and the guilt of leaving my children. I keep telling my boy ‘mummys going back to work soon’ and he doesn’t seem fazed. I wonder whether they will need me as much as they need me now. Will they learn to get on without me? I worry they will not need me as much and we will not be as close. Silly I know, but that’s what goes through my mind. I had a lovely quiet day today at home, just me and my baby girl. It was wonderful. Part of me wishes we had had more days like this over the last 10 months, just the two of us in our own little world. I spent a lot of time looking at her today. Really closely, inspecting her face. How beautiful she is. My gorgeous daughter. Growing so quickly. How long ago those days of struggling to breast feed feel now. But at the time it felt like a lifetime. A battle I would never conquer, but I did!
I’ve been ever so busy these last 10 months. We’ve attended every parent and child group going and made lots of new friends. The only concentrated time I had with my new baby where we weren’t gallivanting everywhere, was those first 6 weeks. Especially as I couldn’t drive for a while after my c-section. For a while it was just my baby girl and me during the day, while hubby was working and my boy was at school. How things have changed. There’s a whole big world out there of other mummy’s and babies. We’ve become part of that world now. It IS our world. But we’re soon to be leaving it for a different world. Where we may get to tap in to the old world occasionally but we will only be visitors then not permanent residents. I wonder, will I ever be a permanent resident of that world again? Mmm, maybe. For now I need to get myself strong again and have a new life to get used to.