So my baby went to her second nursery settling in day today and apparently she was ‘more sensitive’ today. What that means is that she cried, a few times. I had forgotten to tell them she had been under the weather so explained this might have been the reason. Or was it because she missed me? It felt strange walking away and leaving her in the nursery. Work feels more normal, the more I go there. Today I was there to try and agree my working arrangements, which thankfully we did. I’ve been worrying about it for weeks now. I’m relieved they have agreed a temporary reduction in my hours and I’ll be taking some annual leave so I’ll be starting with 3 day weeks. This feels manageable right now. Especially with the realisation I have post natal depression again (I had it with my first). The reality of work is getting closer. I keep looking at my children and reminding myself that I’m working for them. For their future. Why I’m torturing myself over this I do not know. A new chapter in our lives is starting. It’s both sad and exciting at the same time. We have lots to look forward to this year so I’m focusing on that.
My baby is getting christened in 4 weeks and it’s been making me think about my beliefs. Something I’ve not thought about for a long time. I do believe in God and heaven. I believe that those we have lost have gone to a better place, are watching over us and that we will be together again one day. From my dad who died when I was young, my granny, grandpa and grandad, to the baby I miscarried so early. I do believe they are together looking after each other in heaven for me to meet again soon. Im not religious in the sense I attend church every Sunday. But I like to believe in heaven and life after death. Its a comfort to me.
I’m aware that life can be snatched at any moment. I had a car accident when I was pregnant with my first child. The accident was so severe the police and doctors said they were amazed I survived and it was a miracle I had walked away unharmed. Yet I walked away with my unborn child without a single scratch. Someone or something was looking out for me that day. I don’t know why and I never will understand how I survived that crash. It could have so easily been a different story.
I still think about that accident, 5 years on. Every now and then I flash back to being in that car, when I closed my eyes and thought to myself ‘I’m going to die’. That moment in time is still so fresh in my mind, like it was yesterday. No fear, just acceptance that it was the end. But it wasn’t and I’m lucky enough to still be here, with my hubby and both my children. I am so lucky and I try to remember this every day. When it’s tough and I’m feeling sad I remember that. Sometimes I can go weeks or months without thinking about it but now I’m thinking about it a lot. I’m appreciating my time with my family so much right now.