Went in to work today and it was weird. Feels like when I walk through that door I walk straight back in to that other role. My other job. When I’m there I actually don’t mind being there. But when I’m at home I hate even the thought.
Today we were interviewing for maternity cover for a colleague of mine. I felt such envy that my colleague had her birth and maternity leave to look forward to. Still unknown, still exciting, still all to look forward to. I slip into that other role with surprising ease, asking questions, trying to suss out the candidates like I’ve never been away. I actually enjoyed it.
Everyone was excited to see me asking me ‘so are you back?’ To which I reply ‘no not yet!’ With some glee in my heart. How wonderful it would be to return to work for just the occasional day here and there! That’s work life balance for you! I wish my colleague well, tell her she looks like she’s glowing and think, that was me not that long ago. My baby is nearly 5 months old now. I don’t know where that time has gone. Every day my baby is growing and every day she is getting closer to being apart from me.
My boy was upset with tears this morning at the thought of me not picking him up from school, or ‘bringing him down the hill’ as he says. I told him it would be alright and that Nanny would be picking him up and will look after him. It kills me inside to think this will be a regular arrangement sooner than we would both like. I gave him a hug and kiss and walked away from the house without looking back before I could change my mind and say ‘stuff it, of course I can bring you down the hill!!’.
It felt good being back to work for a little bit. But my what a pull! I felt this desperate need to get back to my baby like there was some urgency about it. My body yearns for her when we are apart, like we are one being. And when I feed her again we are brought together again. And as I sigh with relief I hold her that little bit closer.